Excerpt from Chapter 14 ‘The Kingdom of Fife’
Footballing terminology can be confusing and unintelligible
to the uninitiated though. The more poetic, colloquial or obscure
terms and phrases are often lost on the ‘newbie’ fan and I feel
moved at this point to present a helpful pocket guide to anyone
looking to advance their footballing word-power towards that of
a more experienced supporter. I would suggest novices attempt
integrating the following into related conversation. Successful
usage will undoubtedly project the image of a football veteran
and as they say, practice does make perfect. Here are a few to be
getting on with;
Handbags at dawn (phrase)– A low-level, insignificant
contretemps between two opposing players, usually punished by
the referee in a manner disproportionate to the seriousness of the
flare-up in question . Sometimes referred to as ‘Handbags at 10
paces’ or simply shortened to just ‘handbags’.
The channels (noun pl.)– A strange, mysterious non-specific
area of the pitch where ‘knowledgeable’ managers insist the ball
should be ‘fed’.
Man on! (phrase) - Standard alert to a player nano-seconds
before being rear-ended by an opponent in a semi-sexual
manner.
Early doors (phrase) – The initial stages of the game defined
specifically in 1995 by an SFA Investigative Committee chaired
by Ernie Walker as ‘the first seventeen and a half minutes of open
play’. Usage – ‘He was pure mingin’ early doors but the lad has
come on tae a right good game!’
A game of two halves (phrase) – Inexplicable scenario whereby
your team are notable world-beaters in one half, scoring at least
two goals in the process, then clumpy half-wits in the other,
losing at least two goals.
A six-pointer (phrase) – A vital ‘must win’ game between two
teams in close proximity to one another in the league table which,
determinant on the final score, could result in a six point swing
relative to each teams position, the gain or loss in the season’s
momentum, and a shed-load of fighting outside the ground.
Fan-dancer (noun)– A seldom effective player who, although
prone to moments of skill ‘flatters to deceive’. Usually prefixed
by irate fans with ‘Ya’ and the ‘F’ word. Not to be confused with
a ‘Sand-Dancer who although possessing many similar attributes,
has less mobility and slightly thicker ankles.
Flatters to deceive (phrase) – Well-loved phraseology,
especially amongst older football supporters, inferring that a
player’s overall impact on proceedings may not be as influential
as his ‘flowery’ possession suggests.
Flowery (adj)– Like a flower.
Kepper (noun) – A non-threatening shot of minimal height
and velocity which is easily collected by the goalkeeper. Often
hit by a ‘Fan-dancer’.
Bunshin’ (verb) - The incidence whereby too many players of
the one team inhabit the same, small, localised area of the pitch.
Frequently compared unfavourably to the player positioning ‘in
a kiddies game’ or ‘after five minutes in every Subbuteo match
ever played’
The carpet (noun)– Slang terminology for the surface of the
grass. In the eyes of every fan of every team, ‘on the carpet’ is their
measured opinion of where the ball should be, giving their boys
optimal opportunity to win the game. By stark contrast, ‘their
boys’ on the park will frequently, in situations demanding that the
ball be played ‘on the carpet’, resort to howfin’ the ball as long,
hard and high as they can up the park. An act that persistently
results in diminutive forwards being gang raped by tall, sturdy
defenders and is certainly of little benefit to the objective of
winning the game. Supporter frustration ensues.
Arsewinder (noun)- A potent strike of the ball with power and
accuracy that if attempted too numerously in a game presumably
affects the feeling in one’s anal region. Usage – ‘ Send fur the
ambulance, he’s been melted in the bawz by an arsewinder!’
Hot potato (noun) – Descriptive reference to the ball whilst
held in possession of a team with limited confidence in their own
ability to do something useful with it, individuals preferring to
hand responsibility to other team-mates in a rash and nervous
manner.
The Red Mist (phrase) – Mythical shroud of anger that is
said to have ‘come doon’ over temperamental players who usually
have an ongoing reputation for such behaviour. All self control is
lost with the affected player invariably punching, pushing, headbutting,
gobbing on, or drawing the boot off, the subject of his
annoyance. A red card will invariably follow.
Sitter (noun) – A chance in front of goal that is easier to score
than miss. Notably more frequently used in terms of ‘missing a
sitter’ than ‘scoring a sitter’. Understanding this fine distinction
in usage is vital if the novice is to maintain an experienced and
knowledgeable air.
To appear even more of a football aficionado one could
also try other, less popular terms that have, unfortunately, very
nearly fallen out of popular usage completely. Try using the
following;
Fatulism – The feeling of absolute certainty that one’s team
is about to buckle under extreme mounting pressure and concede
a last minute goal (particularly against Celtic)
Fectal – The mixed smell of sweat, Deep-heat and Right
Guard Original that emanates from all football dressing rooms.
Usage- ‘yon air was fectal’
Scoober –A pie in which, on close inspection, the mince
content has become separated from its surroundings in one solid
‘burger-like’ block.
Gebbled - The act of getting yellow ‘safety’ paint from the
stand-stairs on one’s shoes and the back of one’s trousers. Usage- ‘
Aww man ah’ve gebbled ma good trakkies!
Jimmie-shooker – An extended bout of involuntary knee
shaking, muscular spasm and chest tightening experienced by
seated spectators after 22 minutes of watching play on a bitingly
cold winter’s day.
Broadwood Jimmie-shooker – As above after three
minutes
Ragmush – A season ticket book that has been through the
wash in the back pocket of a pair of jeans.
Shovney – A small pre-arranged pile of pound coins, held
by the turnstile operator, representing the exact change of a £20
note paid over as entrance money.
A Clinget of Shovneys – Rows and columns of pre-arranged
pound coins representing the exact change of £20 entrance
money. Usage- “Hurry up man ahm missin the match!”, - “Ahm
doin’ ma best but ma clinget of shovneys has fallen intae a big
pile an’ ahve lost ma coont”
Johnson – A match official whose upper-body is
disproportionate in size to the length and build of his legs.
Flitter – A collection of seven or more empty crisp pokes,
paper cups and assorted debris blown on the park by the wind
which then spends most if not all of the match being buffeted and
spiralled collectively in a strange and hypnotic manner.
Strinkle – The half centimetre of urine absorbed by your shoe
from the damp floor of the gent’s toilet.
Scunty – The non-committal angle the linesman points his
flag indicating he has no idea which way to award a throw-in
whilst awaiting the referee to make his decision for him .
Glour – The welcoming glow of a football stadium’s
floodlights over the dark night sky as seen from a distance away.
Usage “We must be near Brockville by now but I still cannae’ see
the glour anywhere.”
Ramshamble – A supporter’s highly audible, irate and critical
shout that fades off to nothing as the individual embarrassingly
stutters and loses track of what he or she was trying to say in the
first place.
Brogan – The act, particular to football players, of clearing
one’s nostril passage of phlegm by blocking the other nostril with
one’s index finger and blowing hard.
Moving-Brogan – A more accomplished version of above
completed whilst running.
Cacky–Brogan – As above occurring when the offending
phlegm does not disengage from the nose fully and attaches itself
to the side of one’s face and down the inside of one’s arm.
